Husband No.1

Jump to Comments

A while back, during a relaxed holiday abroad, I did something extremely stupid - I put some rather grandiose and now in hindsight, foolish ideas into HG’s head. Told him that he needs to be my voice of reason, and that he should push me more and that if he sees me slacking he should encourage me into getting back into action blah, blah, blah. This was right after we had finished the zip line in Costa Rica, and I had refused to do the last 700 feet high course because I was scared out of mind that my harness would come out of the safety lock that was connected to a secure rope which in turn was connected to the immovable ground and that i would come crashing down into the beautiful rainforest over which we were zipping and poor HG would never find my remains because the hyenas and the vultures would get to me first. Of course, I regretted this decision the minute everyone else in the group went ahead with the ride. As expected, I promptly blamed HG for my act of cowardice. I told HG that he should have shamed me into completing the course and had failed in his duty as the loving husband. And foolishly, I extracted a promise from him that he would be more pushy and a general pain-in-the-backside whenever he saw me doing something he knew i would regret later. Anyways, at that time I thought this piece of information would slide through HG’s brain, just like the other orders i bark at him. But, who knew that this tiny piece of instruction, something said in the heat of the moment, fresh from the humiliating experience of knowing that even the 7 year old kid and the 75 year old retiree in our group managed to complete the final course, would actually not sift through but rather stay lodged in HG’s brain and would come back to bite me in the ass so soon.

Promptly, on March 31st, before leaving for work, HG pulls me aside and tells me “we need to talk. It’s been a month into your sabbatical. When I come back from work today, I would like to go over what you have done so far with the time. Remember, I have to be your voice of reason.” Now where had I heard these words before? Thud. Door shuts and I am left with this sinking feeling at the pit of where I think is my large intestine. I have to justify my existence and I know better than anybody else that I have done nothing worthwhile in the last 31 days. Wait, I take that back; other people know too. I actually foolishly documented my wasteful existence in a post on this very blog. What did I call it? My life of leisure. Well, it looks like this life of leisure as I knew it is soon approaching a very big ‘The End’ sign.

Determined to show HG that I haven’t been totally useless, I start mentally making a list of all the activities I indulged in recently. I sort them into ‘mention to HG’ and ‘definitely do not mention to HG’ groups. I am sure I have quite a bit in the first category. Like, the entire afternoon I spent holding the phone next to my ear hoping I would get to talk to the representative on the INS line. After pressing numerous different numbers, alternating between English and Spanish messages and listening to various automated options, I was told by an irritatingly pleasant, again automated, voice that the representative will not have any more information than what was conveyed to me two hours ago. Now that was time well spent. And how about the time when I stood a few hours in line at the IKEA opening and earned $20 in gift certificates? That’s an accomplishment, right? Now, where should I put the daily law lessons that I have been taking by watching multiple episodes of Law & Order, Without a Trace, CSI and Medium each day? I am pretty sure it falls in the first group. I am also learning about English country life and the trials of tribulations of women in the 18th century by taping the Jane Austen series on PBS. 4 items down in Group 1 and none in Group 2 so far. It appears that I was worrying for no reason. This task is easier than I imagined!

Armed with my list, I wait anxiously that evening for HG to come back from work. I hear the electrical drone of the garage door and mentally prepare my opening line. I have rehearsed my speech a hundred times since afternoon. I act all nonchalant and carefree, giving him no sign of the predicament he put me in earlier that day. Smiling, I ask him how his day was and he willingly goes into this boring monologue about being in a conference call with their outsourcing centre in India and his inability to get a straight answer out of anyone. I wait for him to finish, nodding sympathetically every time I hear the tone of complaint while secretly going over the list at the back of my mind. He then asks me about my day and I warily answer “umm….I was busy making that list you asked for.” HG: “Oh yeah, that grocery list! Do you have it ready? Let me run down to the store right away, before changing out of my office clothes.” Thankfully, there is indeed a grocery list down on the table; he grabs it and heads out promising to be back in 15 mins and asking me to keep dinner ready. I neatly fold my other list and hide it in the bookshelf; I am sure HG’s light bulb will flare a few days down the line. Until then, I am going to celebrate the fact that I am married to a man who has a sieve for a brain.

6 Comments

Filed under Family, Home, Personal