What next?

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Could my luck have turned around all of a sudden? It’s true that good things were starting to happen in my life, like HG getting his citizenship interview call 1.5 years after we applied (for normal people it takes 4 months for the entire process.) I am still stuck in the system, but still, we were moving ahead, one step at a time. And then I get this unexpected news. Just the day before my parents were supposed to leave for India. The news that I am pregnant. I took the test that morning fully convinced that I would not be pregnant and that my parents would have to leave with a heavy heart. When I saw those two pink lines appear on the test window I really didn’t know how to react. Could this really be happening? was the only thought that went through my mind that day. Too bad I had only one pregnancy test left at home otherwise I would have pee-ed into every stick I possessed. A blood test at the doctor’s office confirmed the results. I still went out and bought another pack of home pregnancy tests. After months of negative tests you cannot imagine the perverse pleasure one gets from such mundane activities like staring at two pink lines in a stick that’s dripping with your urine. I even bought a digital one so that I could have the pleasure of seeing the words ‘Pregnant’ written across the window. And then I did the most unimaginable thing - I saved them all in a box and kept them right next to the toilet so that I could see them night and day. That’s how badly I wanted it to be true. My parents were overjoyed, of course, and so were the in-laws. And this time, we told everyone not to say a word to anyone. We didn’t want to jinx it like last time when we called the whole world to announce the pregnancy the moment we found out. My folks decided to postpone their return to India by a month in order to be with me for at least a part of the first trimester. I was in the best possible situation for a pregnancy - i wasn’t working, so no stress or tension. My parents were with me i.e. good care. I didn’t have to get up for a single thing. What better scenario could there be? There was always this nagging thought in the back of my mind that things could go wrong. I was pretty sure I hadn’t collected enough Karma points for good things to begin happening to me. But at the same time I knew that many people were praying for me - my parents, my in-laws, HG, close friends, random relatives, new friends I made through this blog……..people were sending out their positive vibes and I was so sure that’s what finally made this happen. I guess I became a bit too smug with this knowledge. Someone above was probably watching me and thinking that I needed to be taught a lesson. I should have realized something was wrong when I started bleeding on Sunday. I read online that nearly 30% of pregnant women experience bleeding in their first trimester. Not all of those result in miscarriages. I just had to hang on for one more day and the ultrasound would reveal the final result. But by Sunday night the bleeding had become quite heavy and by the time I went to the doctor on Monday I was pretty sure it was all over. I had bled my baby into a sanitary napkin overnight. For a brief while the doctor feared that I might be having another ectopic pregnancy, the worst case scenario as he called it. Thankfully the blood test revealed that it was just a miscarriage. You know your life is screwed when you rejoice over a miscarriage, because you know the alternative is unbearable. Anyways, the doctor said there was nothing to do but to let nature finish what it had started.

I really don’t know what to think anymore. One thing I know; crying helps. I cried till I felt my heart dissolve. I am all cried out now. My mind is comfortably numb. And completely blank. All I want to do right now is lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I don’t have the energy anymore to fight the system.

*I will probably not be writing for a little while. I am not sure when I’ll be back. I started this blog as a way to deal with my grief from the first loss. And it helped. I hope I am able to do the same this time.

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